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CDS Member News and ArticlesProfessional News Articles : : ON PRACTICE MANAGEMENT by Janyce Hamilton : Perils of office flirtation: From romance to harassment Perils of office flirtation: From romance to harassmentDecember 4, 2007 Relationships beyond friendship are fraught with complexity. Drop people with hearts and well, body parts, into the fishbowl of a dental office, and the voodoo chemistry magnifies. It doesn’t help that there is brushing past each other in small operatories to get to tools and equipment. Most of the time, adults at work suppress their suggestive thoughts. Once in awhile, however, innuendos, jokes, unwanted attention or even the real thing—love—happens. There are many gray areas. For example, marriages have resulted from dating someone in the same workplace, but whose problem is it when an office couple with public displays of affection makes the staff squirm? When is it a romantic crush on someone versus a one-sided, imagined mutual attraction? What is a sex/romance addict and how do his or her hijinks in the workplace occur?
If these issues make you feel uncomfortable and aren’t a concern in your workplace—don’t read on. But if these scenarios seem vaguely familiar or even possibly are occurring right now, you’ll want to take in the interview below with Dr. Melissa Perrin, PsyD, of Evanston, IL. For more than 20 years, Dr. Perrin has worked in the field of clinical psychology. Dr. Perrin provides individual therapy with an eclectic approach that utilizes cognitive behavioral strategies, 12-step strategies and problem solving techniques. Her number one healing modality is the belief that all individuals are healthy and vibrant in the core and that clinical psychology can be used to “access the inner brightness.” Some of her specialties include dealing with eating disorders, bipolar disorders and sex addiction. Dr. Perrin holds a doctorate from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Dr. Perrin: There are many perilous consequences of office romance. Ultimately office romance can result in job loss and/or the loss of a boss's confidence. Loss of concentration, lost time, lost opportunities (to fantasy, meetings with lover, etc) and loss of job are consequences - as is social discomfort when the relationship hits choppy water or ends. JH: Two married dentists in a busy practice have huge chemistry, as observed by the staff, but also both seem to clearly love their spouses. No one thinks they are cheating, yet they act like high school kids, laughing at each other’s jokes, preening for each other, getting into serious conversations. Everything about them seems so close and intimidate. They may be having an affair, or simply best friends with “romantic sparks.” Is this nobody’s business? Dr. Perrin: What is important here is the level of anxiety and fantasy experienced by the staff. Is there a boss/partner or another dentist who staff can turn to for discussion about this? Someone who can discuss the climate of the office and the impact on staff (and thus, ultimately, on the paying customer)? Do you need an outside facilitator for this? Technically, it is not the staff's business unless it is getting in the way of work and creating an unsafe or dejecting atmosphere to work in. Does the staff need an intervention to keep their minds on work? Sometimes people become caught up in speculation, which is another form of preoccupation and fantasy. Does it stop them from doing their jobs? Is speculation/objectification distracting them? Serving as an easy go-to topic that manages social discomfort? Again, technically, there is nothing wrong with inter-office friendship. If they and their spouses are comfortable with where things are, it is their business. What triggers (the staff); what fears, concerns, jealousies, and realizations does the flirtation set off? Mild flirting is not necessarily wrong in the work place. Objectification, boundary violations (covert and overt), and management of an emotional affair do not belong in the work place. If one or more of the items listed above are occurring, non-flirting employees may feel that they are enabling (through choice or silence) an asexual (meaning, hasn’t been consummated in body) affair. That provides a very unsatisfactory work setting. Again, focus is on fantasy/objectification rather than business, tending to the customer, bottom line, boundaries, etc. JH: At lunch break, a coworker’s favorite topic is talking about her attractions to or her attention from other people’s spouses! Month after month, it’s always the same thing, an endless string of tales of sexual innuendos received and sent. Her coworker-confidante never has anything to add because these verbal and nonverbal interactions don’t happen to her. Anyhow, overall she doesn’t mind hearing of her musings and heavy flirtations, but admits to feeling a little guilty sometimes, wondering if she is being “party to a potential crime” since the flirtations are with the spouses of the others they work with. She seems lonely, so her friend doesn’t want to judge her, yet is something wrong about her role in this scenario? Dr. Perrin: I wonder what would happen if she brought this up to her? Keep in mind that if this is the accepted form of communication at lunch in the office, she may simply be conforming to social norms. There may be a written policy (contract) about appropriate office behavior excluding sexual discussion, but the non-verbal (acted upon) contract among office members may be that the discussions are more primitive. It could also be that her social skills are lacking and the lowest common denominator among us all is sex. She may have latched onto sexual stories and innuendo in order to have something (a fallback) to talk about. Another thing to think about is the fact that discussions of politics, religion and other opinions may be too intimate. Objectified sex as a topic (and as an act) is the farthest thing from intimacy that we have in our world. It could be considered a relatively safe, shallow topic. Limit-setting, expressing discomfort, changing the subject, asking if there is a different topic to discuss, and directly addressing the issue at hand may or may not manage the situation, but they are all options to use when trying to manage your discomfort. She could even bring up this article and discuss the harassment ethics of the office as an off-shoot conversation. JH: Do you believe lawsuits in the workplace concerning sexual harassment have increased since the Internet age? Dr. Perrin: I do not know if there has been an increase in lawsuits. I do know that an increase in available sexual material has made many people desensitized to inappropriate boundaries or testing of boundaries. JH: Are those who were abused in their youth at risk of being sexually preoccupied more so than those who were not?
Dr. Perrin: Those who have been sexually abused in childhood do not necessarily experience sexual preoccupation. We are aware of a correlation, however, between those who are sexually preoccupied tending to have a history of having been sexually abused in childhood. Understand the challenge with the issue. Usually this will occur with an external boundary being set: being placed on probation or fired for using the business computer for Internet porn; legal difficulties for inappropriate boundaries (sexual harassment, voyeurism/peeping, inappropriate content on their computer, etc). JH: Is it true that people who are more repressed due to religion, culture, shyness, job (for example, priest), etc, are a little more obsessed with sex from trying not to think about it? Dr. Perrin: No. JH: Can someone be sexually preoccupied but not exhibit behaviors that define sexual addict/compulsive? How would a "normal" outsider (coworker, family member, etc) tell a problematic person from, say, a "normal, healthy male"? Dr. Perrin: All of us, at one time or another, are sexually preoccupied; most of us experience this daily. The “normal” individual will take charge of the preoccupied brain and engage it in the “next right thing” or the task at hand. The simplest way to answer the next question (discerning a person who experiences extreme preoccupation and the “normal, healthy male”) is to assess the individual’s relationship with their fantasies. The pathologically preoccupied man or woman will be uncomfortable without the time and energy to think sexually (acting in: the use of sexual fantasizing). They will need to create sexual tension in an inappropriate setting (work, restaurant, elevator, bus, etc) in order to connect with someone or a fantasized individual and get their “hit,” their feel-good moment. The normal, healthy male may fantasize (as do normal, healthy females) but understands and conforms to publicly held and agreed-to boundaries (for example, there is a time and a place for everything; work is not the time or the place for sexual preoccupation). JH: If someone at work is caught "just looking" at Internet porn, should they be discharged on the spot? And should this be part of an office manual and new employee training, which would also include dos and don'ts of appropriate "jokes" and "touching" in the workplace? Dr. Perrin: Again, there is a time and a place for everything; work is not the time or the place for sexual exploration or acting out/in. When employees engage in sexual behavior in the workplace, they are exhibiting poor judgment (unless of course they are sex workers or strippers, etc!) and a basic lack of awareness of appropriate boundaries. The workplace may have relaxed standards (in which e-mails are passed around, sexual pictures/jokes, etc.), but looking at porn in the workplace is out of bounds. It is not uncommon for employees to be fired summarily for use of the company computer and server to find porn. Almost every company has sexual harassment standards and appropriate conduct in their employee manuals; most companies require an employee to read the manual and sign a statement of agreement before they are off standard probation. This is one of the reasons most people are put on probation or fired summarily when found to be using company computers to search for porn. JH: A friend said at his work, when it's your birthday they tape up life-sized nude photos with the birthday guy/woman's head Photoshopped onto the body. Reportedly, there are lots of sex jokes e-mailed around and quips with double meanings between staff there, too. This is embarrassing for sure, but it is equal opportunity harassment, so isn't that a level playing field that would prevent anyone from feeling singled out? Dr. Perrin: That is such an interesting sentence fragment: “it's equal opportunity harassment, so isn't that a level playing field that would prevent anyone from feeling singled out?” I’m not sure that harassment has to do with inclusion or exclusion. Harassment in the workplace has more to do with boundaries, emotional/physical safety, and cognitive ability to focus on work (bottom line). What you describe is also a description of equal opportunity objectification which can lead to porous boundaries, miscommunication, a minimal sense of safety (physical and emotional) for some, and a heightened state of disconnection for others. Even if we weren’t discussing sex addiction, this would be very bad practice for a place of business that is striving for success. Team building, humor and fun are necessary to a thriving business; sexualizing team building, humor and fun is a shadow of the real thing. It offers a false sense of connection since it is focused on the least successful forms of intimacy: sex and objectification.
JH: What is a healthy and effective response to a colleague, boss or employee who justifies their preoccupation with sexual stories and topics by complaining they "aren't happy at home" with his/her spouse? This can be a difficult situation for those who want to remain on good terms - stay "friendly"- yet don’t know how to let the person know the graphic sex talk feels awkward or as if done for titillation? Dr. Perrin: Certainly sympathize with them, and then remind them that there is a time and a place for everything and work is not the time or place for sexual talk. Ask if they have consulted a professional (psychologist, etc) about the issue either as a couple or separately. One can also humbly state that they aren’t qualified to help the individual but a professional is, then offer referrals. If the offender is one’s employer, politely but firmly express your boundary (“I’m sorry this is not a good time to talk. I need to [insert work oriented task here]. I need to use my time here for work,” etc). If this doesn’t work, refer to the employee handbook and see what the boundaries and expectations are about this kind of interaction. The boss may need a reminder that unwanted or distracting sexual conversations can be construed as harassment. JH: In one office, there is this pretty, friendly married mom with three young children who regularly "hits on" same gender customers who she deems attractive. She readily admits to being bisexual, which she explains her husband does not appreciate. Dr. Perrin: If she was heterosexual and wanted to flirt/be with men, would her husband appreciate that? Monogamy (most marital relationships have that general understanding) means that he doesn’t need to appreciate her bisexuality. He is asking her to be faithful to her promise of monogamy. There are successful marriages between people who are heterosexual and bisexual; the bisexual individual does not act on that urge and remains faithful to the heterosexual partner. The heterosexual partner does not act on his/her urge to be sexual with a member of the opposite sex unless it is their partner. Her husband’s response to her desire to act out sexually is the key to understanding the appropriateness of her behavior. Most businesses would immediately put a stop to this behavior since any flirtation that includes “hitting on” a customer is simply bad for business. It is harassment and can be cause for legal action and liability issues. Again, the bottom line and customer satisfaction are not being held first in the employee’s focus. Work is not the place or the time for sexual preoccupation or action. Customers, especially patients, experience going to a doctor or dentist as a passive experience in which they have little choice but to cooperate with procedures. This woman may be taking advantage of the situation and acting out because of the level of passivity inherent in the work. JH: And what is the place of her friends/coworkers who care about her in looking out for her best interest? Dr. Perrin: Get out of her way. She will become more aware of the inappropriateness of her behavior if her employer confronts her and work consequences come into play. Her employer may suggest that she take part in an assessment of her behavior (on the pathological continuum from “normal” to addiction) and then use that assessment to help her find some help. JH: Why does sex education stop after high school? Could there be benefits from inserting it into continuing education courses or licensing tests, or somehow otherwise brought into the conversation on professionalism so that it can be a little less awkward to talk about in a healthy sense? I mean, its taboo nature is probably why it's discussed using euphemisms, indirect references and jokes. Dr. Perrin: Sex education continues on college campuses and in ethics discussions in grad school and in the workplace. Professionalism and ethics are part of licensure for those who work in the field of caring for others. Perhaps the issue is more around the enabling nature of many offices that refuse to confront their peers or bosses. Rather than speaking up, the behavior is encouraged through silence. Most of us (in the helping professions: doctors, nurses, dentists, dental hygienists) would lose our licenses if we were found to be teasing/flirting, using innuendo or behaving sexually/objectifying in and out of our work place. JH: Putting up boundaries and communicating healthy/acceptable vs. uncomfortable/over the line talk is difficult for me and most people, isn't it? We are taught not to confront or criticize non-family, not just about sexualized behaviors, but racial, gender, romantic orientation jokes and beliefs, and even classism. We all remember times when we should have but didn't speak up, partly because it "comes out of nowhere" and we didn't have our "canned speech" prepared. How can this silent discomfort, which displaces actively interacting when things are problematic with a colleague, be something I work on? I fear being viewed as uptight. Dr. Perrin: The best advice I can give is to explore what your boundaries are. The best way to do this is to write out and examine the speech you wish you had given. This will tell you what your basic boundaries are. Then, using your speech and a trusted friend/mentor/therapist, create stock lines that set the boundary you need so you have it ready to go when confronted with the situation. It will take courage but the simplest thing to do is act—then analyze the effectiveness. Also, what if there are ramifications of being tattled on to others who may make fun of me and what are "my issues?" A pithy cliché: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” We each have our paths and our lessons to learn in this lifetime. Others can not do that for us and they don’t necessarily need to understand ours or cut us slack for having those issues. Our job is to manage the issue, learn about it and overcome it through risk taking and exploration. If needed, consult a clinician to explore the issue and to work it through. JH: Compulsive sexual thoughts/behavior and references may seem like they are all fun and games for the person with them. Yet, therapists report that such affected persons can be surprisingly lonely, anxious, fearful of rejection and abandonment, with feelings of hopelessness. Many feel depression on a regular basis despite their own sexual wisecracks. One estimate is 3 in 4 sex addicts have thought about suicide at some point in their adult life. Is this a legitimate mental condition that merits our sympathy and should be treated seriously by others in trying to get them the help they need? Dr. Perrin: Depression, suicidality and sexual compulsion should all be taken seriously. People who are sexually compulsive experience themselves as unable to stop the compulsion. Remember that sexual fantasy (acting in) and sexual acting out (with another, in public) is a method of self soothing and an attempt to connect with another. Unfortunately, the intimacy they are seeking (true connection, understanding, identity, bonding/attachment) is not found in the sexual realm, especially when overshadowed by compulsion. Therefore, depression and suicidality are a significant part of the picture for individuals who suffer from sexual addiction. The desperation can be overwhelming—especially as consequences pile up and the individual does not know how to manage emotional experiences without acting out or in. JH: Someone could risk losing their license and academic standing, relapse their chemical dependency detente, and more by engaging in high-risk sexual behavior. Why would a seemingly accomplished and friendly family man or woman do this? Is it the "cocktail high" so enticing and/or a survival technique of exchanging sex for pain so great a need?
Dr. Perrin: Why would they do it? Because they do not know another way. A large part of treatment for this population is teaching them awareness of their emotional and cognitive states, then managing those without turning to sexual acting in/out. Yes, the neurotransmitter cocktail is important because it makes the individual feel normal. Dr. Perrin: Yes—you are on-target here. The analgesic and feeling alive issues are covered by neurotransmitters and hormones that are tweaked by fantasy, masturbation/sexual activity, and “being bad” by ignoring or flaunting boundary violations (“I may get caught”/”I’ve not been caught yet”). The neurotransmitters that we believe are involved are serotonin (this manages mood, appetite, sleep and pain) and Dopamine (the pleasure center—all is well here!). The hormones involved include endorphins (feel-good hormones usually found with exercise), adrenaline (kicks the system into hyperdrive) and sex hormones (testosterone and estrogen). All of these together are a very potent cocktail. All of us love the way this feels. Sexually compulsive individuals have found a way to engage all of those items. However, as with all drugs, the need for a better, longer, higher high comes into play and the individual becomes more caught up in getting it to the detriment of relationships, responsibilities, judgment and work.
JH: Certainly each client has a unique situation, but are there some things you can tell me you typically do in assessing, treating and monitoring effectiveness of “normalizing” sex/love addiction?
Dr. Perrin: Since clients with sex addiction tend to come to us because of a crisis (marital, legal or having been fired from their job), intensive treatment is necessary to manage the crisis. Depending on the form of addiction—cyber, acting in/out, fantasy, etc.—we work with impulses/triggers (becoming aware of when the planning begins, fantasies of acting out and the correlation with life stressors and emotions). We also pay attention with time cycles and when behavior increases and decreases in severity. We recommend the use of 12 step programs (similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, but focusing on sexual compulsion and the facets of that) in conjunction with therapy. Couples therapy may or may not be part of the picture, depending on the severity of the issue at hand and the level of recovery between the two parties. We also find that spouses of sex addicts seek treatment more often than sex addicts themselves do. Spouses come in with a variety of symptoms: social anxiety, panic attacks, depression, physical issues (gastrointestinal issues, sleep issues, eating disorders) and their own addictions (food, pills, gambling, alcohol, etc). Often they will request couple's work in order to save the marriage or to convince the spouse to be faithful. Sadly, I have worked with a number of women who, in previous couple's counseling, were told to comply with their sex addict's compulsion in order to save the marriage. This often results in the increase of her symptoms and culminates in a sense of desperation and helplessness. If children are involved, they become symptomatic due to the parents' symptoms and experience their own levels of helplessness, confusion, etc. It is critical to work with a clinician who understands these issues, so that the spouse's symptoms can be worked on within the framework of addiction with all of the parameters therein. If the child is exposed to sexual acting out (covertly—seeing pictures, movies, being objectified or being included in conversations with innuendo they do not understand; or overtly—seeing a parent masturbating or otherwise engaged in a sex act, being included in a sex act, etc), we then work with the family and child to increase safety, work on boundaries, and help the child process the symptoms and events.
JH: Lastly, what are the early signs of a potential romantic stalker, in any setting (not just in the office)? Dr. Perrin: We find that relationship addicts and potential stalkers confuse intensity with intimacy. Relationship addicts and stalkers are not necessarily one and the same—there is overlap between the two issues, but they are separate. However, relationship addicts can stalk their love object and stalkers can be relationship addicts. Symptoms to look for include: Possessiveness, in the form of controlling how one spends their time; over-use of texting/cell-phone contact or instant messaging; persistent questions about where the potential stalkee was/who theywere with/doing what. Boundary violations will occur and may be interpreted by the potential stalkee as romantic or proof of intensity of feeling (which is accurate but often misinterpreted as benign).
Conclusion
Dr. Perrin is a practitioner with ChicagoHealers.com, the “nation’s pioneered prescreened integrative health care network.” She can be reached via the Chicago Healers website at www.chicagohealers.com.
Janyce Hamilton is an award-winning Chicagoland freelance dental writer and editor. Send suggestions for topics to be covered, or any comments on this column, to review@cds.org. © 2007, Chicago Dental Society |
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